Self-Help, Negative Emotions, the Childifying of Western Society and What To Do About It

Self-Help, Negative Emotions, the Childifying of Western Society  and What To Do About It

By Cory Mitchell

It began as a movement to enlighten, to improve lives and fulfil the eternal quest so many of us have for “happiness,” yet the result has been the opposite. What has resulted is a society dominated by the inner child, indulgent, irresponsible and unable to cope with the realities of life. Everywhere we look someone is blaming someone else for the inequality in their own life–equality and fairness which is measured on an internal gauge and can never exist outside the body.

So called negative emotions are experience inside the body, and then reacted to in the external world, like a child throwing a tantrum when he cannot have what he wants…what he feels he deserves.  The self-help movement focused around positivity and “the secret” has not only tolerated this, it is has encouraged it. Stipulating that you deserve everything if you just believe, have faith and keep a positive attitude.  A fanciful notion, one which our society gobbles up feeding further indulgence and irresponsibility. It is a movement which caters to the whims of the immature child (the part of our personality which is frequently running the show) within all of us. It is nice to think that we can have anything or do anything, and that we can have the perfect life, be happy all the time and the list goes on. But is it realistic? With our minds and bodies built to experience pain, death, disease and a multitude of conflicting emotions is probable to assume we can be happy all the time?

This theory that a positive attitude can solve problems and can make you accept yourself and your world fully has at least one major flaw.  It is impossible to full accept yourself if you only accept what is viewed as positive. Everything  else we brush aside and try to ignore–but it never can be. Rather these negative aspects are simply repressed, our eyes avert, but the complete self remains regardless of the attempt to ignore certain parts.  The repressed self surfaces through inconsistencies between thoughts/words and our actions.

This idea of ignoring the negative or trying to be positive creates a disconnect between how we view ourselves and how we actually act. We may view our self as caring and nurturing yet yell hateful things at the ones we love. We consider our self positive, yet may simply end up ignoring uncomfortable issues and problems . We say we are honest yet make promises we can’t keep. We say we are responsible yet constantly blame others for what is wrong in our life.

When reality is ignored an idealist alternative is forced to take its place, a strange internal pseudo-reality is created.  A pseudo-reality where we tell ourselves we accept ourselves and others, but find ourselves constantly gossiping, judging our bodies and the bodies of others, complaining about relationships and feeling guilty about emotions we feel are “wrong.” We then rationalize these inconsistencies away, failing to address the reality of our situation and thus missing an opportunity to deal with it.

Some of these “wrong” or negative emotions most often include sadness, guilt and anger.  These are the emotions we don’t want to feel and when they surface we react in a way we usually regret, this is especially true with anger.  While we try to avoid these “negative emotions” they are actually very beneficial and absolutely necessary.

Sadness provides us a with a sense of empathy, a trait most people say they possess and like about themselves.  Empathy cannot exist without sadness, and therefore sadness is not a bad thing, even though most people feel they need to be medicated when they feel it. From a social standpoint, by trying to medicate away sadness are we inadvertently medicating away empathy?

Guilt, another emotion people want to shed, is a gauge for internal comfort. Guilt lets us know when we are hurting a certain aspect of our self. The emotion should be heeded, probed and discovered instead of trying to indulge in other emotions to push guilt aside. Emotions are a beacon, a signal to probe, not to run the other way. By pushing guilt (or any emotion) aside, it doesn’t go anywhere, but even more guilt is likely to ensue until the underlying issues is discovered, processed and a plan of action created.

Anger is one of the greatest motivators we have for action.  Some use this to tear down others, and what others have built.  Others use it constructively to save forests, save animals, help children or help abused women. Anger from what is internally viewed as injustice the world is, and can be, used as a motivation for action.  Without anger it is likely nothing would get done and the world would lack passion. Anger isn’t going anywhere, but if it is accepted it can be dealt with and used in a powerfully constructive way.

The negative emotions we try to avoid are the very same emotions which provide us with the fuel for life and provide a sense of meaning.  These are not emotions which should be repressed for as we all know they will occur anyway.  If they are repressed they burst out of us, resulting in the “I can’t believe I did that…that is so not me!” syndrome.

So while most people look for eternal happiness and positivity, that is not really what we are after at all. Aren’t we actually after being able to deal with all the emotions we feel with strength, maturity and the ability to process those emotions so they help our life instead of hinder it?

I venture to say that every emotion (including those we call “negative emotions”) and every aspect of our self we want to fix or get rid of should be embraced.  This is not accomplished through repeating “I accept myself,” for what most of us say has very little relation to what is happening on the inside and our actions. Fully embracing ourselves means allowing ourselves to feel an emotion as it arises, and questioning what it is inside of us that is causing this feeling. By accepting the emotion and exploring it (instead of trying to ignore or be rid of it) we provide our self with more choices on how we wish to handle the emotion and how we will proceed knowing that we feel this way. We are able act based on how we feel, instead of reacting to what we don’t want to feel.

Take emotions as they come, and don’t fight them. Probe them, and don’t push them away. If an event which triggers a certain emotions calls for a response plan how you need to respond.

While it could be a whole other article, and may be at some point, accepting does not mean indulging. If you are angry don’t feed it by thinking about other things which make you angry, instead try to understand why this makes you so angry. Accepting you are angry also does not give you the entitlement to throw a chair across the room. Accepting means accepting the feeling and consequences which may arise from it fully and completely. This could result in a great personal discovery. If you are sad, accept you are sad but don’t indulge it by lying in bed all day. Feel sad, accept the emotion and process it so you can decide to move forward with what needs to be done that day.

The point is not to reject positivity, nor to expect it to be there all the time. Life is fluid, and so are emotions.

Many of the concepts in this article were introduced to me by one of the best books I have read (which discusses these issues and more in fantastic clarity and depth):

Accepting the Radical: You Can Not be Fixed by Ronna Smithrim and Christopher Oliphant

My views and interpretations are not necessarily those of the authors.

Cory Mitchell