Are Your Values Really What You Think They Are?

Often we think we know what our values and goals are, but many people really don’t. The following is about finding out what our values and goals really are, as often these values and goals conflict with each and cause us suffering. It is fairly long, but the process discussed is very powerful and can often eliminate that constant see-saw feeling of moving back and forth where we feel pulled in multiple direction and don’t know what to do.

Enjoy…

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The Value Hierarchy

In each of our lives and within each of us as individuals there is a hierarchy of values. Those values and the order in which we rank them within our own minds often determine how much satisfaction we get out of the activities in our lives. Relationships, work, hobbies, finances, and any other part of our life all serve a purpose for us, but if our values are misaligned, or we do not understand how they interact with each other, even the greatest parts of our lives – the ones that should bring us joy (which should be everything on that list), do not. We search but seem to never find what it is be are looking for. We find happiness in one thing but it conflicts with other things that we enjoy doing; this again brings turmoil into our lives, and we end up not enjoying anything.

In order to avoid this internal turmoil, find happiness, and be able to move toward our goals with confidence we have to be aware of our values and what impact they have in our lives. Most often people think on a one dimensional level, defining one thing they want and expecting the rest of their life to align that goal. For instance, many people say they want to be rich. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be rich you must look at what makes you want to be rich. You will never reach a goal unless you are INSPIRED to do so. You must have a purpose, something that pushes you do whatever it takes to get to where you want to go.

Adding a “because” at the end of whatever it is you want to achieve will give you greater clarity; “I want to be rich because…”. By doing this you will be forced to provide yourself with valid reasons for your desire. It will also create leverage for you to do what it is you want. If you want to be rich you may write down reasons such as – helping friends and family, giving to the poor, bigger house, more financial security, retirement goals, leaving a legacy. It does not matter as long as the reasons you give yourself are enough to propel you into motion towards your goals. Focus on your desire and it will become so.

Many people do this step, and they attain their goal but still lack happiness. Look at many movie stars, they have achieved ultimate fame and wealth and yet many are still very unhappy with themselves and with their lives. The reason may be, and why I believe many people are unhappy, is that they have not defined what their desires are in respect to their whole being. If you ask someone what their goals are, most people don’t really have any goals (more just day dreams), but if they do have goals most likely they will only be about work, or they will only list goals that impact one small aspect of their life. There is a major imbalance here. Work for example is important but if all our goals are focused around it, no matter what level of success we achieve it will not make us happy unless our other values are not violated.

So how do we not violate our values in achieving our goals? Well, we need to have goals in all areas of our lives for one, and secondly we must become aware of what is truly important to us.

Make a list of the 5 things that are most important to you. They may include happiness, love, giving, wealth, security, freedom family, fun, and excitement….anything that is important to you and then rank them. You may be surprised that your current goals or the desires related to them are not on the top of your list, or they may not even be on the list at all! This list alone will give you valuable insights into what it is that will truly make you happy and successful in your own eyes. Your next task is to then make goals for each those things that are most important to you. Write down what it is you want to achieve in regards to each of those areas. Then go through your list and make sure that none of your goals conflict with each other. For instance, if your first desire is love and your second is freedom, you have a conflict and possibly this conflict is what is preventing you from being happy in those areas of your life. You will constantly see-saw back and forth. You find a relationship and are happy for a while, but then you want freedom, then a relationship, then freedom…a vicious cycle.

If you find a conflict in your values then you can either change your goals in each topic so that they do not interfere with others, for instance in the example above you may have a goal of improving the communication with your partner and in doing so making them aware that you will need a couple hours a week away from your partner to do what it is you need to do to satisfy your “freedom” requirement. This way you satisfy both values and have created a goal for your relationship. This is one way to deal with the conflict, or you could simply choose to make something else a higher priority, or in other words make a CHOICE as to what is important to you. Sticking with the above example, if your desire for freedom is causing problems in your relationship simply choose not to make freedom an important part of your life. Do this by full embracing your partner and become fascinated by the dynamic between you. Being in enthralled in this process will leave less room available to feel the need for freedom. Remember this is just an example.

Choice is very powerful, and we can choose to be anything we want. It is not easy, but you CAN choose what you want. You already outlined what is most important, so now you must make all the other values and their goals line up with the most important aspect in your life (the top value on your list). If what you placed at the top of your list is truly the most important thing, then making changes in your life in certain areas will not be as difficult once you are actually aware of the conflicts that are currently there.

Right now the things that are most important to me are: fulfillment, wealth giving, health and wisdom. Working backwards from the bottom of the list they all work in sync with each other (they also work in sync moving from the top of the list down). Attaining wisdom and constantly leaning allows me to live a healthy life, gain real world experience which makes me want to give, provides ways in which I can attain wealth and all this gives me fulfillment. Health allows me to partake of all the rest of my values. Giving allows me to achieve wealth without guilt, the more I make the more I give, the more I make the more I give. Wealth is somewhat selfish, I do want nice things and I want to be respected in what I do, but only if the other elements of my value system are not violated. And fulfillment is basically the overall good feeling I have when I am living by my values, the good feeling and sense of optimism that makes me get up every morning and say “good things are on their way”. Love will come through the result of these values being lived out, and by coming in such a way I will avoid much of the vicious cycle we often see in relationships. These values may change as circumstances change. Change is not a bad thing, and we can choose to change.

Very little is as frustrating as letting ourselves down. I find this in my work often. I set out a plan which I believe will make me money in the markets, and then I deviate from that plan and lose money. Knowing that if I would have stuck to the plan instead of deviated I could have made money is very hard to swallow, especially since it violates one of my values which is to create wealth (it also makes me not feel as fulfilled in my work because I am upset). Also every dollar I don’t make I can’t give away, which violates another value of mine, giving. This frustration creates leverage within me to pursue my desires with vigor and to stay the course. Once you have clearly defined what it is you want out of life you are much more likely to do things that will move in the direction of those desires. You will have setbacks, such as the examples I just gave with my work, but view setbacks as obstacles that can be overcome and it will make our ultimate desire that much sweeter once it is attained. And it will be attained; it is on its way. Believe that. You will also enjoy the journey to goals. That is why fulfillment is number one on my list. The journey also brings fulfillment it is not about the destination.

Focus on what it is you want and align all your values so they don’t conflict with each other. This will allow you to create goals that are truly within your personal value system which will create happiness and a life of abundance, in whatever capacity you desire.

I write this because I know people that seem to keep butting their heads against the wall, they have desires and wants but can’t seem to get to them. I also write this because I went through a time recently where I was very upset with myself for not achieving certain levels of success in certain areas of my life. By doing this exercise I was able to see with a broader scope of my entire life and realized that a bad month or two in the whole scope of things is no big deal. I was also able to erase the conflicts that existed in my life which were preventing me from being happy even when one my goals was not being attained as quickly as I wanted. It has also renewed my commitment to my whole value system and the goals connected to it. This was therapeutic to write down and to make sure I truly understand these concepts myself. Maybe this will help you, which would be great, and if not hopefully it is because you truly happy already.

P.S. I wrote this back when I full time stock trader, but it sill applies no matter what field you are in or what stage of life you are in. I have changed my path, and the principles here made have helped immensely.

~Cory Mitchell