This is a continuation of the previous posts. IN order to really understand how we are affecting others, and ultimately what our role is in the conflicts that occur around us, we need to be aware of our inner conflicts.
I will say that this is partially to get my own thoughts out on this, as it was just a few days ago that I realized what my inner conflict was…on a much deeper level that I had before. I will write about my own in here as an example. These conflicts can be put into 4 general categories.
So what creates conflict within us…and how is this manifested in our world, feelings and relationships? Generally a conflict comes from some belief in scarcity. Someone has a belief that there is not enough time, there is not enough food, there is not enough love, there is not enough money and on and on. When we come face to face with scarcity, we generally enter conflict to control what it is we view as scarce.
We also have a certain energy level (by this I mean a sense of sense of self-esteem, self worth, confidence, optimism, motivation, inspiration, even ideas…) which we are used to. For some people this is very low, for others very high. But we have an energy level at which we generally sit, and even though we may not be happy with the level where we are at, if it drops we fight to bring it back up. Now “fight” is the wrong word, as we can enter into conflicts in much more submissive ways, but which are very damaging even though they appear very meek.
So we can see that scarcity causes conflict. Scarcity creates fear which also creates conflict. This is nothing new. But what matters is how this fear is manifested. Many books have been written on this topic, but the Celestine Prophecy gave headings that I like as to the ways in which we manifest our internal conflicts. The headings are Intimidator, Interrogator, Aloof, and Poor-Me.
If you read the last note you will understand that conflicts are basically a way to rebalance our energy. We need to pull energy from another person to compensate for the scarcity that we are feeling…this can be physical or psychological. Each one of these different categories of people brings energy to themselves in different ways. Yet certain categories can be hard to pick up, especially when it is us.
Here is an example, and I will use myself. I feel I have moved forward a lot over the last several years, yet something still felt like it was holding me back. I knew that I was not seizing every opportunity that I could have. I still progressed because I took some opportunities that came my way, but I left a lot on the table. I helped some people, but avoided ever engaging in certain situations or conversations that I knew I should have.
The thing is I didn’t know was why this was happening. Well, I knew it was fear obviously, or being uncomfortable in a unfamiliar situation, but let’s face it that doesn’t really solve the problem. We can still act in spite fear and our inhibitions, but it is like sledging through mud. We can still get the job done, but it is a lot work to have to pump ourselves up each and every time. SOOOO, I started to think about how this fear was manifesting itself. I thought that I was giving energy to people around me, but when I really started look I saw I was also draining a lot of energy from people. And this was the reason I was still “trudging through mud”. The energy I took from others forced me into a loop where others seemed less open to me because I myself was not giving the right kind of energy to them.
What was figured out was that I fit into the Interrogator and Aloof categories. Interrogators drain energy, by asking lots of questions and paying lots of attention, but then pointing out flaw in what is being said. Interrogators are the “Yes, But-” type of people. I am one of these people at times…but working on not being one 
An Aloof person is someone who drains other people’s energy by acting nonchalant – they make people work for their attention. They don’t open up, and so they make people work very hard to get any information out of them. This brings in energy to the Aloof person because they perceive that they are receiving attention. It is probably these two types which slip under the radar the most, yet are very common and cause a lot of conflict. I generally flip-flop between the two of these depending on the situation.
How many times have you gotten mad at someone for always doing the things I just mentioned? They always make you come to them and DIG information out of them, or they seem really interested in what you are saying and then slam your ideas down. Sometimes it is obvious, and other times it is harder to put a finger on. So let me explain how realizing what type of conflict creator we are can help us move beyond the internal (and potentially external )conflicts just described, and then I will go over the other two other conflict types.
Once we become of aware of how we are draining energy from others, we realize that the very thing we are trying to avoid we end up creating. But until we really understand how and why this happening we are almost powerless to stop it. So back to my example. I want to feel good, and I want others to feel good…so sometimes I talk to people and open to them and want to hear what they have to say. But then I need to prove I am right, I need to boost my energy and so I point out what is wrong with what is being said. I may think that I am doing them a favour, but sometimes I am not. Other times I act non-interested in someone, I just mind my own business when someone is trying to connect with me. I figure I am not doing anything, and so no harm is done, but I am pulling energy from that person. They are worse off because I was Aloof.
Once we are aware of this, nothing really changes, except for how we handle the energy transfer. Now that I am aware that before I was taking others people energy, I can focus on giving energy back to them. I do this simply by giving them my attention. I slowly learn that my power and energy does not need to come from others, from conflict, or from proving others wrong. In fact, I can give my energy to every person I meet, simply with a smile or by paying attention to the people in my life. Project your positive energy on to them. In this way all that energy will be reciprocated back to you. You are taken out of the cycle of constantly needing to drain others of their energy (whether you realized you were doing it before or not), and now you are much more free to create peace and avoid conflicts.
Just by having this awareness, it has been amazing over the last few days, the people that I met, which before I would have been completely closed off to…mostly because I didn’t even realize I was ignoring anyone. But I was being aloof, and alienating some others by interrogating them.
So hopefully you can begin to see just how we manage to create conflict, often without our knowing it. Conflicts can be anything from the actual verbal/physical fights, but they can also be any interaction where someone is left feeling depressed, hurt, weakened etc. A conflict has occurred there. If someone smiles at you, and you scowl at them, a transfer of energy has occurred, and you have taken the “smiling persons” energy, possibly a lot of it – that person may feel quite bad after you scowled at them. If you do nothing, and just look away, you have also taken their energy and not given it back to them.
Ok, the other conflict types might be a little more easier to see. These are the Intimidators and Poor-me. Intimidators take energy, self-esteem, motivation, etc by physically or psychologically dominating others. These are the bullies I guess you could say. They fuel themselves by making others feel weak, which makes them feel strong. The conflict potential is fairly obvious here.
Someone involved with a intimidator will often adopt 2 potential postures. They too will try to intimidate, which of course escalates the situation….”I am gonna kick your ass”… “No way man, I am gonna kick YOUR ass!” To give an extreme example, but once again, intimidation can happen on a subtle level as well. The person may also adopt a Poor-me attitude – they drain energy by forcing people to feel sorry for them, or pay special attention to them.
Each one of these categories of people creates conflict in a different way. We all are in one or more of these groups. But once we realize what we are, we can move out of it. Then we can really start to make a difference because we become much more aware of how we are directing our energy to others. Until we are fully aware of how this energy is being fully directed we may still be a cause in the conflict (consciously or unconsciously).
Once you are aware of the different types of conflict people present you with, you can diffuse by exposing the conflict in a lighthearted, non offensive way. With the intimidator, you may ask why they are so angry. With a Poor-Me you may ask why they are placing blame on you or making you feel guilty. Often when we expose what is occurring, the person initiating the conflict is forced to step back and analyze what they are doing.
Like I said at the beginning this as much as about getting my thoughts down on this personally as it was for sharing. So I guess, what all this kind of means to me is that…
We need to find out how we create conflicts, and also see how others in our lives create conflicts. In this way we are better able to see how we are directing the flow of our energy to others, and also how those people could potentially will affect us. Once we know our conflict type, and we realize that all conflict is a form of energy control, we no longer need to take other peoples energy. We can gain unlimited energy motivation, satisfaction, self-esteem, etc by GIVING our energy to others. By giving our attention/energy in a non-selfish way that person will give us energy. We become in balance with each other, and no one loses, no one feels defeated.
Discovering how I created conflicts in my personal sort of way has been very liberating. It is hard to explain, but I think that if you go through, and really think about which way you create conflict (and those around you) you will be left feeling very refreshed. You will be able to move forward fully knowing what it was that was holding you back from the relationship with yourself and others that you wanted.
You may still have questions, or maybe even more questions than you had before about this subject, but hopefully it puts you on a path of self discover as it has done for me.
As you look into this you may think things like…But sometimes I AM the victim! Sometimes I do need to point out the flaws in someone’s beliefs/ideas! Sometimes I don’t have the energy to give someone my full attention!
These are reasonable questions/comments. We must remember that we are still on a perceived physical plane and at times we will feel drained. The important thing is to do the best that we can by being aware of the conflicts we are causing, and not perpetuating conflict when we become aware of it.
By being aware and potentially stopping one conflict, we potentially stop others from ever occurring. We have all had experiences where a conflict with a spouse or friend has led to other conflicts with the children, other friends or colleagues because we were upset. Avoiding one, avoids creating a catalyst on which other conflicts can be started.
Instead of trying to be right, try to be kind and if you have an insight someone would benefit from, don’t cram it down their throat. Instead ask questions, show your interest and given attention to this person, and then try to guide them to their own person revelation of the truth which they need to figure out.
I am going to try to work on it…maybe you will too
This is something I am sort of filtering through in my own mind at the moment, so comments, questions, discussion is very welcome.
~Cory Mitchell