Why we Self Sabatage and Knowing When We Do It

Why do people continue to choose actions and indulge in behaviors that they know bring negativity and inspire resentment and disgust in their relationships? What is the pay off in the end for risking human relations?

The above questions was proposed, and it is very interesting. I have my own views on this, but before I get to those there are some very interesting quirks in our psychology which need to be addressed which lead to self sabotage.

The first one is a Heuristic Driven Bias. This is when we pull on available information to form a bias. This is fine, yet normally the information we pull from already has a bias – the source of information many pull from is the media. The media covers stories based on their newsworthiness, but does not report every story; this creates a bias towards certain views. So lets look at an example.

What is more dangerous for children, having guns in the house, or backyard swimming pools?

This questions was addressed in Freakanomics (very interesting book!). Most parents allow their children to swim freely at friends houses or in the backyard, but cringe at the thought of guns being around their children. Why? Quite possibly because guns are portrayed so negatively in the media.

So what are the actual stats. Swimming pools are far more dangerous than guns. More than three times as many children will die in backyard swimming pools than they will from guns.

This is a somewhat sobering example. But what does it show us about the relationship and self sabotage question? Well, when we choose to accept information which are from a biased source, our actions and thoughts reflect that bias.

By this I mean, if you grew up in an abusive home, and you look around you and then choose to see that many families are abusive, you will accept this as YOUR norm. It is a not based on all available information, only information which you have programmed yourself to see. This means some people will be abusers because they see it as the norm and others will stay in abusive relationships because there is no real alternative in their eyes – that is just how relationships are. They pull “evidence” from around them to support that view. And the media once again does a lovely job of making us believe we live in a horrible world.

As a child it is hard to look for evidence outside of immediate circumstance (My personal views address this, and explain why we must be “programmed” in this way during our young years, but that will come later). Yet as we get older we can overcome these tendencies. We can choose to look at different alternatives and find evidence for that alternative. If we are in an abusive relationship (as the abuser or the abused) if we choose to look at a wide scope of relationships we will see that there is an alternative and that in fact a negative relationship is not the only way.

A second major issue when it comes to why we wreck our own lives and relationships is because of an Aversion to Ambiguity. This is basically a fear of the unknown.

The thing that is particularly bothersome, is that because of ambiguity we don’t psychologically make the right assumptions about the world. For instance, we may be in a negative relationship, career, situation, etc, and we choose to stay in that because at least we know what that situation is. Outside of that situation could be anything….it could be worse! This is especially true in relationships. A woman may stay with an abusive man, and even abuse him herself (both abuse each other) because it is familiar. To leave that relationship, where there is at least someone there, creates ambiguity. The ambiguity is that we don’t know who else is out there that might provide a better life.

Some of you may say, that ambiguity does not affect you, but the studies say different for most people. A study was done in which students were asked to pick a prize of $1000 straight out (easy money), or they could gamble. If they gambled they had to pick a red chip out of a bag and they would receive $2000, if a black chip was drawn they got nothing ($0) The bag had 100 chips in it, 50 red, 50 black.

40% said they wanted to gamble. Those who people chose to draw chips from the bag, on even odds, were hoping to win $2000 (instead of the easy $1000), but also risked making nothing.

This 40% choosing to gamble is interesting on its own. But what is really interesting is when we change the experiment. There was a study with the same students and same payouts ($1000 easy money OR red chip=$2000 and black chip=$0) but this time it was unknown how many red and black chips there were in the bag. Almost no one took the gamble under these conditions. Would you?

The fact is it does not matter. The number of chips in the bag could be almost all back or almost all red, they could even be all red or all back. But your odds of picking a red is still fundamentally 50%. Fear of the unknown forces us to make inaccurate assumptions about the game (life!) we are playing.

This leads to probably one of the most important things in my opinion, and I will call it the Tangibility of Anticipation. You will hear people say “I want a new car.” “I want out of my relationship.” or “I want that guy/girl.” The want is now, but actually getting it is a certain amount of time away, if they get it at all. So once again, what does this have to do with anything?

A study was done which asked people “If you could be kissed by your favorite Hollywood star, would you take that kiss today or would you rather have it in 3 days?” I read this study but can not find the exact figures at this moment, but the general conclusion of the study was that most people took the kiss in 3 days from now. The implications of this are staggering, given that real life is much more complex than the study and nothing is certain when we look to the future.

What this reveals is that people view anticipation as more valuable than the actual experience. Anticipation itself becomes a payoff. Given the overriding questions this article is based on, it shows people will stay in unhealthy relationships/situations, because the ANTICIPATION of a better life is a reward. Anticipation is lost if the situation is left and happiness is found, at least from the viewpoint of the person who does not have the happiness yet.

If I am in a bad relationship and finally decide to leave, I lose the pay off of anticipation of finding a better relationship. Think about that for a second. This happens on a completely unconscious level normally, but it affects our choices profoundly, especially given the other elements discussed in this article. Combine heuristic bias, ambiguity, and anticipation it is easy to see why we stay in relationships as well as create and stay in other negative circumstances.

There is a pay off to staying in these negative experiences based on the mind frame that brought us into the situation in the first place.

This is not an exhaustive list of what keeps us in negative circumstances. But it is a start based on some of the research out there. I have included some of my own views on these topics, but these have not even approached my real view. I will leave that for the next note.

But before we conclude here are some other psychological quirks which cause us to sabotage ourselves and others, hurt ourselves and others, and otherwise create and stay in negative situations. I encourage you to explore the following things further.

Hedonic Editing: How we view the loss of something. Evidenced by a person not willing to “sell” a losing financial position when their stock broker calls them, but if the stock broker uses the words “transfer” instead of “sell at a loss” most people will agree to the transaction. We don’t like to lose things, but if we view use the word “transfer” it seems to bypass the neural link to the part of the brain which identifies with “loss”.

Frame Dependence: (the above is part of this) How we structure decision in our minds based on cognitive and emotional processes. For instance, I may choose a monthly payout if I win the lottery, as opposed to a lump sum. I may do this because I “frame” the situation based on my Self-Control tendencies or possibility of Regret if I take all the money and spent it.

Regret needs a closer look too. Regret is not only pain of loss, it is pain associated with feeling responsible for loss. Ouch! Double whammy. Don’t underestimate the power regret, and the avoidance of regret when dealing with life situations. We may stay in a situation because we want to avoid the POSSIBILITY of regret when leaving. Not having to deal with regret is a pay off to us for staying in the relationship. Master manipulators and abuser use this to their advantage. They strike out in rage (or whatever method they use) but then compensate by apologizing. They show just enough “love” (it is not love!) to keep the person there with them. If the person leaves they may regret leaving because there were some good times even though most of the time they were miserable.

So these are some things to consider and do some self evaluation on. In the next article I will discuss my own views on this topic. It encompasses these things as well and provides a way out without experiencing many of the perceived negatives associated with leaving a negative situation. But until that time, being aware of the dynamics that often occur in our lives can often provide us with the fuel to change. To be aware is bring yourself into the light where illusion and ambiguity begin to disappear.

Many blessings,

Cory Mitchell