The Power of Fear & Disgust When Making Life Changes

There is a strong popensity to only focus on what we want (at least we generally desire to focus on the positive, even if we don’t do it), and not what digusts us.  Actually, that is not totally accurate, often we think about things that disgust us, but we use that thought process in the wrong way. I have written on this myself – the use of positive thought – but it is not the only way, or even the most efficient way to create change, it is simply one way.

Have you ever had a problem, and then in one moment you have a realization of how disgusting it is and you have no choice but change your behavior?  The power of disgust is extremely powerful, and is actually stronger in most people than positive thinking.  Let’s say you are overeating, and one day you look in the mirror and are horrified at what you see – whether you agree with the thought process that is occuring or not – you now have a catalyst for changing those eating habits.  All of a sudden those burgers and fries don’t seem quite as appealing, and when you go to the store you find yourself grabbing more vegtables and completely bypassing by the “junk food” aisle.  It happens instantly.  Disgust over an issue drives us to change, and it takes no effort.  It just happens.  The positive approach of convincing ourselves we like vegtables opposed to pizza on the other hand is a long arduous process – it takes work.  Disgust creates near instant change.

Try to convince yourself you like something that you currently have a hard time dealing with and it takes time.  It takes years to accept a troublesome family member no matter how positive we may be, and even then we still may not like them!  And this is a person we are talking about!  Yet, get food (something far more trivial than human relationships) poisoning at a restaurant you loved, and it is unlikely you will return. The feeling of disgust becomes almost instantly hard-wired, like a flight-or-fight response, blocking you from partaking in the given activity for a long time. Disgust can impart longer lasting change than positivity on many issues.

Unfortunately, as with all things, focus on disgust in the wrong way or too much and it has detrimental effects.  Take the example from earlier.  Someone who finds disgust in their body can easily find the motivation to avoid food completely.  The body ends up slipping to the opposite extreme and yet the person still views food – the source of their prior issue – as something to be avoided.

It is a force that can take us from one extreme to the other.  Yet, so can positivity.  Things we want and attempt to attain can turn us into the very thing we were seeking to avoid.  The pursuit of being that positive person can end up creating a wall between those who are dealing with their issues in a different way – those who choose to feel their emotions (“good” or “bad”) fully and express them.  This is the dark side of positivity…when someone expresses depression or anxiety and the person who has adopted the “the law of attraction” type thinking shrugs it off saying “Well, obviously you attracted it.”  Maybe it is a true statement, maybe it isn’t, but the ironic thing is that groping to become more positive can result in a lack of empathy for anyone who does not embrace the ideology.

When we fall from one extreme to the other by adopting the latest self-help fad, we simply end up in the same spot, except with a different set of complications.  Therefore I am opting to take the middle road, to listen to my disgust and understand it; to ask how I can use it for the positive and how it may affect me negatively.  And at the same time embrace what I feel positive about and attempt to not let it get out of hand where I alienate those who don’t feel positive.

I would think that after a hundred (more, less?) or so broken News Years resolutions we would see that maybe just being upbeat and saying “I have the will power…!” doesn’t quite have the power we thought it had.  What is will power anyway?  The problem with these two words – and that is all it is is two words and nothing more – is that “will power” exists until it doesn’t.  It takes one moment for will power to disappear and we are back at square one.  It is not a permanent fix.  We know this because when we do something well, when we are in the zone, it comes easily, not by brute force.

This brings us a related topic…the religion of love.

Love is a powerful emotion, but the reality is that fear is just as powerful.  I realize this likely to be an unpopular statement, but from what I see in myself and world it is true.  Fear can stop love from occuring, it can end love…but it can also be used to create love.  As above with disgust, fear can be a powerful motivator if we use it in the right way…but instead we try to hide it rather than embrace it.

Take the inital meeting of a potential partner.  Anxiety, anticipation and those feelings we get when you first meet someone of interest are in full flight.  If fear of commitment, rejection or where it will go (the playing out of anxiety inducing scenarios) enters strongly in one of the parties, that encounter is going to end.  It can even creep in way later and end a union which seemed destined to last forever.  Fear is powerful.  Yet, fear like disgust can often be “flipped” to help us experience the world fully.

In the exmple above instead of just fearing commitment we can choose to focus on our fear of being alone (I am not advocating this approach, I am just saying it is a motivator and changes the “dynamic” of our fear).  Coupled with an optimistic viewpoint of the relationship, we combine our primary emotions of fear and love to create a powerful catalyst.  We align our emotions for the same purpose!  Use fear to propel you into what you want, not propel you away from it.  As with disgust mentioned above, we want to avoid sliding from extreme to extreme, otherwise we may become too attached to temporary things and then not be able to let go if something does not work out or becomes toxic (the relationship turns abusive for example, but fear of being alone keeps us in the relationship anyway).

Life is not about just focusing on the positive or just focusing on the negative (fear, disgust) it is about finding our middle road, balancing goals while enjoying the journey.  It is about seeing that our feelings can be embraced and tweaked to provide a stable sense of being.  Remembering that life is for the moment; as Garth Brooks pointed out we eventually all “Thank god for unanswered prayers.”  Times change and us along with it, our emotions can at times try to jar us out of that flow, but by better understanding some of our “darker” emotions and feelings we begin to see that they are not our enemies, these emotions are our friends.

In an article my friend recently wrote he addressed emotions as “friends.”  True friends come to you when everyone else leaves, and to make a leap to the psychological – when happiness or fulfillment are gone and fear and disgust come to us to keep us company, we shouldn’t fight them off.  They are your friends, allies, so ask them to push you in the direction you need to go.  True friends will always push you and try to make you the best you can be – fear, when used in the right way is the friend that will push you beyond all limits you have ever imposed on yourself.

Keep well,

Cory Mitchell